mentally, physically exhausted.

read the title? yes. i am so exhausted, depressed. i am always in anger and sad at the same time. started since i gave birth to my second daughter. evrything went wrong almost a year. i didn't even know myself anymore, i lost myself day by day. i don't even know myself anymore.

i hate myself even more. i was so cruel and unneccessarily angry even for a small, tiny reason. 

what is wrong with me?

where are my good side? its gone.

dont tell me i became like this because i was in long distance marriage bcs i felt the same when my husband is around.

i know i should seek for a help from phychiatrist. its repeating. i hope i didn't hurt anyone i love & care.

are this is what they called postpartum depression? but its almost a year since i gave birth.

dont tell me to be grateful because i live with my parents. of course i am so grateful i got mak & adik help me with the kids. but i always thought of living on my own with the kiddos without burden my parent. i mean, theyre old. of course they want a peace at home, not a crying baby.

these make me triple tired. im tired to think, to feel, to expect, to raise these girls.

i always thought of leaving them but of course i won't. 

i got almost two years alone with the kids at night. most tiring hours always at night. when the baby is cranky, when both of them got fever at the same time. you want to sponging, at the same time you want to make & soothe the baby back to sleep. and i only have two hands!

i was so alone every night with the kids.

i hope i was still alive when my husband return back to Malaysia next year. i hope my kids won't be hurt by me. i hope everyone love my kids. i dont care if people love me, as long as they love Alisa and Yasmin.

i was so sad...........